What’s going on? I don’t know certainly. It’s just the comfortable pulse who encouraged and insisted me to stay here. Yeah, you must be not understand yet about my old habits, “I’ve been wonted to stand apart.” Believe me, my parents have a big house (legacy) and I stay there with my grandmother almost seven years until she’s gone in the six years our togetherness. You know what makes me stay even if my grandmother is not there anymore? The answer is, “I love my loneliness, I don’t have to change myself and my hobbies. And I be aware when I just feeling like, this is mine and I’m in an authority.” I think all about that is getting end after I’m wander about and moved away to Metropolis who getting far from my hometown. In fact, it’s only affirmed that I really liked my solitude. Do not ever think that I don’t love my family. Do not ever because the truth, I always taking my time to think about Ibu (Mother), Bapak (Father) and of course my Brothers and my Sisters. Do not think that I don’t care about them. I just…, maybe I just self – interested. I just love my self. Yeah, sound’s bad. I do hate myself but I can’t handle it.
I think, I have any delight when I spend my time to learn anything, I’ll never get ashamed when I get wrong when picking my brother’s guitar who I borrow and of course when my voice sound’s off – key. I‘ll never ashamed when I try to simulate the make – up tutorial and try to use a sexiest clothes. I’ll never get the bad feeling when I get failed cooking (I can laughing myself when my breakfast fell unwell). I can laughing, crying, screaming or anything it’s gonna be free when I watching a movie or just reading a book. I can try to use any accent because I really love to learn any language. Exactly I’m not a clever woman and I’m not take a special education who can focusing my language ability. I think, the language is an art. You can, if you want. And I love to learn self – taught languages “autodidact”. And you have to know that my loneliness has produce so many novel and poem who never published yet.
I don’t think that my habits gonna be back. Now I think I can handle myself. I love my loneliness, I can’t run away. I’m vacuum from my habits for a while and comeback again and again. I have so many family in this city. But I do not interesting to make so far conversations, visiting their home one by one or just say “hi” on the social media. That’s look like a burden for me. I know that they must be worried about my daily living and I’ve been try to say that I can handle myself even I get alone. I know when my sister or my aunt worried about me, it’s not a real worried about myself, she just worried about “a liberty”. You know? That sounds like a nightlife, free sex and anything else. Maybe it’s not good to talk but that’s my feeling when you worried about me. Because you have been hear my adolescence gossip, which have been greatly exaggerated. I realized for you, I’m ever actually have a relationship with several guy. But it’s been a long time ago and I have been trying to not make a shit relationship again (according to the rules of my religion). I’m also never having sex with anyone like your accused. I just have some boyfriend’s when I’m in high school. Just that, you have to believe me like my mother. I just cannot to stay at your home, and pretend to be another. And if you want to know, I just can‘t to be myself when I feel uncomfortable. And once again, I just feel uncomfortable when I staying your home.
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